By Katie Aurand

Aurum Staff

Passing bowel movements and releasing waterfalls are everyday (or for some people, not so everyday) occurrences. Ever since the late 1800s, the porcelain throne has been an essential fixture in the modern western world. Yet not all bathrooms are created equal- least of all on the School of Mines campus. In this weekly column, I will analyze the ups and downs of the school bathrooms, throwing in anecdotes from time to time. First, we will take a look at the ideal bathroom.

The Ideal Bathroom – Part 1

Since I am a female, my idea of the ideal bathroom is admittedly slanted. However, the following list comprises what I believe to be the five essential elements every bathroom must have.

1. Outward-swinging doors. Stalls are not very spacious, and one of the most frustrating things about going to the bathroom is when you have to shimmy around an inward-swinging door while you try to close it because the space between the door and the toilet is as wide as a spaghetti noodle. I have almost lost my handbag to the watery depths many times due to this dance around the stall door. I have even been in bathrooms with such a small space between the toilet and the door that I have had to jump on top of the toilet just to let myself out. Outward-swinging doors solve this space issue wonderfully.

2. Automatic paper towels dispensers. After completing the post-bathroom hand wash (which everyone does, right?), you usually have one of two options: blow-dry or paper towel pat dry. Now blow-dryers are awful hand dryers. They either have too low of a flow so your hands are still dripping one minute later, or they are so hot you might as well roast your palms over a bonfire. However, the worst blow-dryers are the turbo ones, like the one in the Triple H truck stop’s bathroom in Murdo, SD. I hate putting my hands under it because it pushes my skin around as air with the force of a jet engine nearly forces my hands to the ground. Paper towels are really the way to go, but if they are not automatically dispensed, you can say hello to all sorts of bacteria who can’t wait to get their grubby little paws all over you.

3. Toilet paper. Have you ever pushed through a “moment” only to reach over and discover to your horror that some greedy person caused the dispenser to run dry? You either have to get on your knees and reach under and up to what you hope is the TP dispenser in the adjacent stall, or you start shouting a plea for help to any of the strangers in the adjacent stalls. (Or if it’s empty, you just run across to the next stall. Don’t say you haven’t done this before.) Toilet paper in the bathroom is a basic right that is truly worth going to battle over.

4. Ventilation. Just today, I walked into a bathroom on campus and had to leave because the smell was so unbearable my eyes watered and my throat burned as if I had just passed through a volcanic fume cloud. Ventilation is one of those essential little bathroom elements that you don’t see, but when it isn’t there you definitely smell the impact. The worst is when the HVAC system is pumping hot air into the bathroom, saturating the room with sulfurous scents, instead of pumping the stink far away from your stall. The good, old-fashioned “open a window” trick works okay when windows are available (which they oftentimes aren’t), but on an especially snowy day, this makes for a frigid experience for future bathroom users. Wiping isn’t fun with frozen fingers.

5. Hooks. I am more acutely aware of the negative impact of hookless bathrooms in the winter, when my bulky winter coat simply cannot accompany me throughout the process for fear something nasty will happen to it. Also, it is ever so difficult to reliably complete the bathroom experience while holding on to a purse or bag with one hand. And forget about going to the bathroom with your backpack on. It’s not possible. Hooks in the bathroom solve this problem. Hooks on the backs of the stall doors, hooks on the walls by the sinks, and hooks on the sides of the stalls free your hands for more important uses, like typing in this web address next week to read the next installation of the WColumn.

Questions? Comments? Advice? Send them to Katie at Katherine.Aurand@mines.sdsmt.edu.