By Katie Aurand
Editor in Chief
Students living in the campus dorms or even off-campus apartments will tackle roommate issues during the school year. Resolving conflicts with roommates helps students develop social skills that will help them secure jobs post-graduation, according to Becky Cornell, Hall Director for the Palmerton and Connolly dormitories.
“These are the skills employers look for- that you can work with your co-workers and communicate,” said Cornell.
In the School of Mines dorms, resident assistants (RAs) distribute Roommate Agreement contracts during the beginning of the year that each room must fill out. The contracts make roommates discuss preferences and determine conflict resolution strategies. Yet even with the contracts, roommate conflicts still arise in the dorms.
“I think the biggest thing is taking the roommate agreements seriously when you first fill them out,” said Cornell.
Cornell said that a student’s year will be much more enjoyable if he or she can appreciate roommates.
“Even if they seem quirky or different to you, you should just be open to their differences,” said Cornell.
Since the majority of students’ time is not spent in the classroom but instead spent in their living quarters or with other people, it is important to get along with roommates in order to keep life from becoming miserable.
Having discussions right away about overnight guests, cleanliness and study preferences will reduce future conflicts.
“I think the biggest issue is that when stuff does come up they don’t approach their roommate about it and they let it fester- and often times the other roommate doesn’t know that they’ve done something wrong,” said Cornell. “And often times they will go to everyone else and tell them about it without talking to the roommate about it first.”
Communicating to roommates about irritants right away lessens problems. Cornell said that students often just stop talking to their roommates all together, yet they still expect the roommates to know what is going on.
“If they don’t know that having socks left on the floor really irritates you, they can’t change that behavior,” said Reeny Wilson, Resident Life Director.
Yet Cornell said that sometimes it is not easy to talk to the person about the problem.
“I think one thing to recognize is that you aren’t alone in feeling intimidated by talking to them about it,” said Cornell. “To approach a conflict takes both courage and humility. And the courage comes in by just stating to the person what’s happening, what you’re seeing and what the facts are. Like saying ‘You bring your boyfriend over every night.’ That’s a fact, and it takes courage to say that.”
“After you state the facts of the conflict, you should let your roommate know what that is like for you by saying something like, ‘So you bring your boyfriend over every night and that makes it hard for me to study and it makes that hard for me to sleep.’ And that’s the courage factor of it,” said Cornell.
After you tell your roommate the facts and how you feel about it, you then should tell them how it is impacting you, according to Cornell.
“Then you open up the dialogue with them. Ask them where they’re coming from and how they are feeling about it,” said Cornell.
She also said a great skill to use is called contrasting. First you tell your roommate what you don’t want them to hear you say, and then you tell them what you do want them to hear you say. Cornell’s example for contrasting is saying, “I don’t want you to think I don’t like you or that I think you are a bad roommate, but I do need some time without your boyfriend here.”
Cornell said that sometimes it helps to practice talking to a friend or an empty chair while pretending that person is there.
“Also prepare yourself for any reaction that they may have,” said Cornell. “They might get angry but the thing is that we can’t control other peoples’ emotions. Those emotions are their choice.”
“When you go into a confrontation you don’t have to think about it as if you are going to smother the person or put them down ,” said Cornell. “If a roommate can think going into it that ‘I’m going to build my relationship with my roommate’ instead of ‘I’m going to fight them,’ then they can be closer that way.”
For more information on roommate conflict resolution, visit the School of Mines Resident Life website at http://reslife.sdsmt.edu/roommies.html or check out the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high by Kerry Patterson et al.
